The University of M******n hereby denounces the “Squirrel University” and their plans to host a promotional events in our facilities on April 7, 8, 13 in the Duderstadt Video Studio at 730-9pm, April 13 at 5pm in the Michigan Theater, and on April 14 in the gallery from 5-9pm. We have alerted the authorities of their intention to disrupt our art exhibitions and are confident that they will take the necessary measures to ensure that nothing unusual will take place.
That being said, if you see any sign of a squirrel recruitment officer soliciting prospective students to their university's human studies department, please call campus safety at this number: (734) 763-1131.
It is neither proper nor natural for squirrels to run an institution of higher education, and thus these vermin must be stopped.
